I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
