It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Vodka?
Forever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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