Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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