when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
