I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
