Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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