My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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