there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
