Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
me + whiskey = a bad person
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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