you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
