i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
