she woke up with a sticky ear
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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