If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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