No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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