What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
