I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
