No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
