I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
