my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
