the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
