They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
