I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
