Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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