Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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