what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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