worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
