I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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