someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
