I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
