I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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