Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Randomize
