im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
