what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
lets start a swedish sibling band together
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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