If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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