He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
