allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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