i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
