States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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