i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
