I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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