I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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