I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
