Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
