enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
