It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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