What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
