If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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