put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
