somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
