I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
